K Tempest Tumbles

jhameia:

moniquill:

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

“What is the real reason for the MOAI statues standing on Easter Island? Is it a landing strip for invading aliens, or perhaps each statue is really a living creature simply in slumber?”

Hey assface? The rise and fall of indigenous civilization on Rapa Nui hasn’t been a mystery for quite a fucking while now.

“Some of the most fanciful stories I have ever read involved stalwart English professors in the 1930’s engaging in scientific archaeological excavations, that unearthed horrible curses rather than the prizes they sought.”

Adventures in Unfortunate Implications! Let us recall the carefree days of literature where heroes were the manliest of men and whitest of white, and nobody dared to criticize you for trivial details like ‘really insipid racism’ and ‘basic lack of recognition of the humanity of other people’! 

From the ‘additional inspirations’ section: 

“Aztec and Mayan fortresses hidden under wet jungle foliage (such as the movie “The Ruins”).”

The fall of great Mesoamerican civilizations: NOT A FUCKING MYSTERY. ALSO NOT FUCKING ROMANTIC.

“Cook Islands where ancestors of Captain Bligh’s men founded their own society amongst the natives.”

Hmm. Needs moar Mighty Whitey.

“Ghost towns in American old west genre and Indian tribes.”

Presented without fucking comment.

“King Solomon’s mines and voodoo in Africa (such as Allan Quatermain series, penned by H. Rider Haggard and many others).”

No. Just fucking no.

“A plane crash survivor that stumbles upon a warrior tribe hunting in the Amazon.”

This is the really quite boring story of how some indigenous folks directed some lost tourists back to the nearest major city.

“Forgotten tales of men and curses in mighty Athens or haughty Jerusalem or wild Sri Lanka.”

Wild Sri Lanka, people:

“Was Stonehenge built as protective runes against marauding demons?”

No. It’s a (sacred and hugely socially important) clock.

“What is the origin of the mystical healing practices at Anuradhapura?”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anuradhapura (TL;DR -Buddhism)

“Where lies the famed city of El Dorado, sought by Spanish conquistadors?”

In the minds of said mass murderers.

“What happened to the Colony at Roanoke?”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roanoke_Colony (TL;DR - the surviving settlers successfully assimilated into surrounding Algonquin settlements.)

Trinker sums up the whole fucking mess pretty succinctly: “What this world needs is an anthology about the colonial mindset!”

Because, yanno, ten thousand existent pot-boiling novels aren’t enough. We really need some modern fiction written in the style of Racist Exoticism of Yore.

-Drops mic, walks away-

Because the world needs yet another Magical Honky anthology!

What on the face of Demeter’s green Earth is this horseshit??